Cancer Ground Zero Oct 28, 2019

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”  Brene Brown

My blog is my personal reflections and experiences and storytelling.  As a person and a patient experiencing cancer and the healthcare system my writing is a reflection of this experience and does not reflect any organization or other person mentioned or referred to.  Please be mindful that this is a personal journey and respectful of that.  I hope it brings some insight and support to those interested in my story.

How do I even start writing this blog without scaring myself or others?  I have been feeling overwhelmed, scared, anxious and had small glimpses of hope, gratitude, empowerment and revival of my relationship with God.  In the most scary and profound moments of your life you tend to look deeper for answers and for guidance.  It is not the first time in my life where I have been faced with scary health issues.

A week ago, today, my Dr. called me into his office to deliver the results of a mammogram and ultrasound that was done to tell me that it looked highly suspicious for cancer in my left breast. In fact, it was rated a RAD Grade 5 which equates to >95% chance of metastatic breast cancer.   My shock was numbing, and I just said okay and asked to have him review the results with me and why there was a change from the previous one that said no cancer.   Six months ago, I had gone for the 3 year woman’s check up that is sent to you as a reminder in the mail. I booked my appointment with the Nurse Practitioner at my family health team. While I was there she asked about my breasts. I knew I was coming to this appointment and had spent a little time doing a self exam in order to have something to comment on. I had ran my fingers under the breast tissue and oddly found that my left breast was a tiny bit heavier and maybe just maybe the ducts felt a tiny bit ropier. I couldn’t put my finger on it but it was enough to comment on to the nurse at the exam. She attempted to feel as well and also couldn’t find anything but thought it would be a good idea to order a mammogram and ultrasound. I was in my 40s and too young for the routine kind. I thanked her and didn’t think much of the test. I went and gave my breast tissue to the metal stamper and walked out thinking it wasn’t that bad. A day or two later I received a phone call just saying that I didn’t have cancer. I thought it was a strange way to tell me the results were normal but never having had a mammogram I thought this was maybe the routine lingo. It must have been normal. Sadly I would find out 6 months later that it had not been normal.

I nervously sat down in my Dr.’s exam room. I knew the results were not going to be normal from the phone call and the fact that when I had the mammogram this time, they squeezed my breasts into a new shape and angle that hadn’t been done the last time. My Dr. looked at me with a sad face. He said he didn’t know all the details around why the radiologist had determined a different outcome but said that 6 months ago when I had my first study, it came back as no cancer.  This time, they said that there had been a lump last time and it had grown 0.5 cm and it was now highly suspicious of metastatic breast cancer. The word metastatic ran through my head. That means spreading cancer. All I could imagine was that I had cancer spreading everywhere and somehow this report was 95% sure of it.   They were also concerned with one lymph gland in the area.  I would have to wait for a call from the local breast screening center for a biopsy.  I left the office with racing intermittent thoughts that were trying to take me to the finish line, the extreme place of no return, the final outcome.  I tried to back track and started asking myself questions.  What had changed in my routine, my life, my health and what had I been doing these last 6 months that would lead to this result.  Maybe it wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do these past 6 months. Maybe they had misdiagnosed me back in the spring and only caught their mistake now. Maybe it hadn’t changed that significantly in 6 months. Regardless,  I thought of the extreme stress I had felt when I lost my job in June but also the relief and great summer I had with my children.  I thought of the amazing trip to Costa Rica and how I felt there.  I don’t remember feeling bad at all.  I do remember feeling a bit tired in August/September and thought I had picked up a cold with my nose being a bit stuffy however brushed this off as most minor illnesses.  I kept going to bootcamp 3-4 times a week and drank a bit more coffee than I normally had since Costa Rica, having been more or else caffeine free for ten years.  I didn’t stick to my amazing diet prior to Costa Rica once I returned but compared to the average person, I would say it was still better than most.  I had actually gained 5 lbs in 2 months since returning.  I quickly started to google everything I could about breast cancer and prevention.  I came across some research from John Hopkins University on broccoli sprouts and their antioxidant effects and a very recent journal study on anti-cancer benefits.  I immediately rallied my parents to assist me in growing these sprouts and found some health store products that contained the sulfanaphase ingredient in it.  I also added in fish oils and made an appointment with my acupuncture Dr.  I only told my parents, a few good friends and my oldest daughter at first in order to minimize the discussion and not worry people until I knew more information.  Unfortunately, with any unknown diagnosis our brains start to second guess everything we feel or touch.  All of sudden I became obsessed with feeling the “thing” that I secretly named “cancer baby” everyday hoping I would be able to tell if it would grow or shrink.  Yes, I still maintained some hope in that it is not going to be cancer and that it may actually shrink.  I have had a few lumps in my life that have come and gone and so I wanted this to follow the same pattern.  I had an aunt who was diagnosed with breast cancer and was prepped for surgery 2 years ago and the Dr. came in and said they did another test and said that it wasn’t cancer.  There has been cancer in my dad’s family but it is hard to know whether these were environmental exposures from earlier years in Europe where they lived and all the plant spraying of DDT back in the 70s/80s were to blame. 

I called a few times last week to see when my biopsy appointment would occur and finally by end of the week they said Nov 12^th.  I couldn’t believe that they would triage this for 3 weeks later considering the changes they apparently saw on the tests in 6 short months.  I asked the referral clerk to see if other centers had shorter waiting lists.  She called this morning to tell me Nov 5^th would be the day.  Although I still have to wait, I am glad it is closer.  Two weeks was better than 3. I had to count my blessings at a time like this.

Let me talk a little about spirituality and faith and how this played into my mind and feelings.  I have always felt that God walks with me during hard times and good times.  I usually have felt that things will be okay in events that have been hard but this time, I almost felt a cloud or haze that was stopping me from understanding what that relationship would be this time.  I kept looking out for it and have struggled each day seeking God and his comfort.  I believe that he has a plan for my life.  There have been so many things that have happened and I know that they are signs for me to dig deeper and reflect and often they have led to better things or new things that I would not have predicted.  This time, I am finally taking his pinky and he is pulling me up.  It is hard to describe this feeling other than there is a push it is giving my life and I need to be open to it.  A few things that have been on my mind even before this happened was about whether to move from my house.  I love my house and it has been a great home for the girls and I but I wondered about selling it and finding something smaller and easier to mainten in order to focus on other things.   I think for the next 5 years until I launch Ellery into University life, it would be an easier way to focus on what my life may have in store for me.  Another area has been my work life.  Losing my job in June was a critical and pivotal moment.  I was almost anticipating this to happen with the changes happening at the government.  I hadn’t thought it was going to happen that soon but was already saying to family that we will all likely lose our jobs in the next 2 years and I wasn’t going to go anywhere until that happened.  I had been with them for 13 years.  I have been reviewing options, focusing on my MBA and really looking at cultures of organizational life that I want to be a part of.    It almost seems so strange to have these thoughts when you would mostly say to yourself, all hands-on deck, full stop, your life is uncertain, and you need to focus on this only.  If I am going to the end of the line (my untimely death), what a better way to pretend that it is okay than to make plans and changes in your life as though nothing is wrong. Or to make plans to clean up your life in case something should go wrong.  I am aware of the impact of a potential diagnosis, but I also want to acknowledge where my heart and my mind has been pushing me.  The reason I believe that God is guiding me in these directions comes from small signs in my life along with a feeling of faith.  A few weeks ago, I had a moment of epiphany in my basement and afterward I moved everything around I discovered how many things I had that I didn’t need and thought about how good it would be to minimize these items and consider doing this because I was interested in moving at some point. This was prior to this diagnosis but got me thinking.

Finally, I want to talk about my family and friends who have been a rock for me.  My parents are unconditional in their support and they are also worried.  I can see it, but it doesn’t stop my parents from bringing the day to day focus back into my world.  My mom always has a positive spin to offer in times of hardship.  My girls are amazing.  Although Ellery is not aware yet, she is so empathetic, and I know she is worried for me but doesn’t know why.  I only hope that she will continue to be as brave as she always has been.  Katria, always has a positive attitude and tells me about all her friends whose moms have had breast cancer and have done amazing.  My friends have shared their own stories and told me that it is one of the best type of cancers to treat.  I am starting to feel more hopeful as I wait for the biopsy and I continue to do what I can to improve my health.  Eating 1 and ½ cups of broccoli a day is hard work.