Nov 14, 2019
I went today for another biopsy for the other breast. On the mammogram they saw a small lump but said it looked like benign calcifications. Dr. Kolyn said we should biopsy it and then take it out as well. It would take a small amount of extra time and then I wouldn’t have to worry about it again. I agreed. It is really close to the surface. I couldn’t even feel it. This time the biopsy didn’t seem as bad and likely because I knew what to expect but also because it wasn’t so deep. So now I wait. I have a week to wait for my surgery. I will be glad when it is all over and I am home recovering. I will know it is out of my body and hopefully all will be good. I pray for strength and healing this week as I wait. I pray for serenity and peace from God during this time knowing he is watching over me. I want to face this week the best I can and not worry. I am scared but I am also going to be relieved when this is out. I want to get on with my life. I have so much to do. God has a path for me, and I need to be open to finding it. I will continue to get the house ready for sale. I am hoping for the spring. I will watch for townhouses to move into. I received messages today from a few friends thinking about me and wanting to get updates. It is so nice to know there are so many people that care. I have asked the church to pray for me as well. As simple as this sounded, it too was hard to ask for help. I normally deal with all issues and problems on my own. Asking for help, even spiritual help seemed so difficult. I reluctantly sent my pastor an email but I only said it was a health issue. Afterward, I told my parents. They seemed surprised but I think relieved too.
Nov 18, 2019
I am now in a waiting place for the surgery on Friday. At times I am at peace with it and other times I have anxiety and worries. This weekend I started to read the bible which helped me to relax and feel more at peace. I don’t often pick it up out of nowhere but when I have for a reason, I always seem to open the bible to the right passages that help me. This morning I opened it and read from Mark 10:52 about the blind man who was healed by Jesus. I read it and wondered why this passage. It was about a physical healing, but it was more about a spiritual healing and a testimony to those around to understand how God’s love is shown. On Facebook just now someone posted a post about spiritual healing over physical healing and there was the same story about Bartimaeus who was born blind and was healed. It was about spiritual salvation which is linked to our salvation. This post concludes that we should go to Jesus no matter what is tormenting us, and God has already forgiven us, and Jesus has already paid our debt. Twice I have looked at this passage and story today from two different sources.
I feel that God has been with me the whole way and has paved the way toward this reconciliation with my body and maybe even my life.
My life this year has had many up and downs but I have felt that through these experiences including losing my job, being able to remain off work to finish my MBA, having time and reflection to re-evaluate my purpose in life before finding another job along with the timing and healing God has been with me. He has been showing me that there is another way. Another way to live. Another way to be. I just have to be open to finding it and brave enough to follow it and create it. I am ready now for surgery and for what is to come. The best I can be considering all the emotions I have described. Be still says a small voice in my head everything will be okay. This is just another example of knowing it will be. Another story or testament of faith that I have experienced countless times before in my life but with bigger stakes.