Strength, biopsy results, God’s testament and exhaling

Nov 3, 2019

I told my brothers today about the cancer.  My younger brother through text and he thanked me for sharing.  I told my older brother in person when I saw him at my parents tonight.  He was very concerned and hugged me and said they were all there for me.  I was in a bit of shock around his reaction because I was trying to be strong and less emotional but when I saw the emotion on his face, it struck me.  Sometimes you just have to be emotional.  

There is a time for strength and a time for emotion but mostly they live together.  

The key is not resting in one without the other.  There is strength in emotion.  I felt that when I saw how others who love me reacted to the news.  It is again that vulnerability we try to suppress yet it can be one of our most powerful allies to get through these tough times.  I hugged my brother harder in those few seconds of connection understanding this truth.

Nov 8, 2019

It was finally the day for the biopsy.  The moment of truth and the day I had been waiting for to confirm my deepest worries and fears and to also pray for hope and good outcomes.  I showered and dressed as though I was going out like any other day, but I knew this was different.  I went through all the same mechanical steps of readying myself.  My stomach was in knots and my mind kept racing.  Although I knew I wouldn’t get the results right away, it somehow felt like the next milestone I had to hit to move to the next place on this journey.  I was scared and I prayed to God for strength.  I asked him to ease my heart many times.  To help me feel more at peace in these last few weeks.  I would take a deep breath and let out the air slowly releasing the tension that would always build up.  Little did I know he had a plan to ease my heart.  

A friend who is a nurse went with me.  If my anxious self couldn’t remember details, she was there to help me with these appointments.  She stayed in the room during the procedure.  I had to lie on the medical plinth with my arm over my head as the ultrasound technologist found the lump.  She then called in the radiologist to do the procedure.  The radiologist was a young woman who said that the lump was close to an artery and so it would likely have more bruising than she wanted.  They both worked together and the radiologist, with the guide of ultrasound, placed the needle into the tumour and clicked a gun that extracted the sample.  She took 4 or 5 samples and then did 3 more on the one lymph node.  This truly sucked.  It isn’t pleasant.  But it is not about the pain at all.  There is discomfort but it is the feeling of vulnerability that you are placed in and must succumb to whatever procedure is necessary.  You just have to, and it feels scary and as though you are in an alternate reality.  The joke is on you.  It is your reality.

I had quietly been praying throughout the day.  I was praying the radiologist was doing her best.  I was praying that I had courage for whatever was next.  I was praying for my kids and family.  My heart was full of both gratitude and requests.  I know God knows them all, but it helps to say them.  Just after we left the hospital and I was home and resting I received a Snapchat message from one of my classmates who lives in Winnipeg.  I don’t talk to her often and she rarely messages me first.  She asked how I was doing.  I decided to tell her about the lump and testing and she said it is good you have caught it so early.  I asked her what prompted her to reach out to me today.  She said she was listening to worship music and something inside her head told her to reach out to Helen.  I was astounded.  God was working through her and her faith to tell me he was with me and watching over me.  I needed this encouragement.  I have to keep remembering his power in our lives and to not be afraid.  What a testament this was for both of us.  I captured the snap conversation in a photo to keep by my side whenever I felt lost.

Three days after the procedure, I received a call from the doctor’s office.  The nurse said that my results came back abnormal and that I should go over them with the doctor on call at 5p.m.  and get a referral to a surgeon.  I kept hoping it was benign, but I think I knew inside that there would be something I had to do.  I feel a bit numb.  That feeling of numbness and dread has come back.  I am trying to fight it, to take deep breaths and just maintain hopefulness.  We will see shortly what they have to say and what the options look like.  I pray that whatever I have to deal with I have the courage to do.  I pray for the best results in this situation possible.  I pray that God lifts me up and gives me a positive spirit and calms my heart.  I pray for healing and a cure.  I pray that I make the right choices going forward.  I have to believe all this will mean something and be meaningful in some way.  

Isaiah 38:16-17 

“Lord, by such things people live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.”

Nov 8^th in the evening

I went to the doctor’s office at 5 p.m. to see the after-hours doctor.   My family doctor was away.  I arrived taking in as calming and big breath as I could inhale.  As I stepped out of my friend’s car, I exhaled and walked in.  My mom was meeting us there but hadn’t arrived yet.  We went to the nursing desk as the regular clerks had gone for the day.  There were no other patients waiting as the evening hours only sees one patient at a time.  The nurse ushered us into a room right away and there we waited until it was our time.  My mom arrived shortly and then the Dr. took us to another office where she asked if her medical student could be in the room.  I agreed.  The five of us packed into a small room.  I sat and waited as she pulled up the reports.  She said they didn’t want to leave me waiting until my Dr. came back and had thought it best to bring me in this evening.  She said that the pathology report did indicate some abnormal cells in the ducts and called it ductal carcinoma.  She said that the good news was that they graded it as early changes and a grade 1.  She said the lymphatic tests came back negative for any changes.  I was so relieved to hear that this wasn’t all over the place and was contained in one area.  She seemed to be more positive and said that I would meet with a surgeon next week to discuss my options with her.  She said she would also refer to an oncologist for when the pathology came back from the removal of the lump.  They then decide based on the results what other treatments I will need.  For example, if it is growing from too much hormones then they treat me for 5-10 years with hormone therapy.  I feel that this is the message my friend who texted was giving me from God.  That it was caught early and that I would be okay.  I was so grateful for these results and if it wasn’t going to be benign that this was the best news I could get.  I had a heavy burden lifted from me today just knowing these results.  The waiting for more than two weeks was super hard and was likely one of the worst experiences I have ever had to go through.  I have so many thoughts on how some of the messaging and supports could have been delivered better at the family doctor’s office but will leave that for another blog.  I had been told there was a 95% chance I had metastatic breast cancer and now I know I have breast cancer Grade 1 and very unlikely metastatic.   

Next milestone complete.  I am still a bit nervous about the next steps and surgery, but I am praying for the best outcomes and the least invasive options.  I am going to put my trust in God and know that he guides my life.  My parents and my friend were happy as well with this news considering the alternatives.  I will tell Ellery this weekend to prepare her for the next steps.  I think she will be okay knowing I can handle this.  

Just breathe.