Telling E and the first visit with the surgeon

Tuesday Nov 12, 2019

Now that I knew I had cancer for sure and I knew what stage it was, it was time to tell my youngest daughter.  I had to think of a way to approach her.  An opportunity came up on Saturday night.  We were all sitting around my parents table having tea, chatting and laughing about some joke my dad was telling.  In the midst of this conversation there was something funny that used the words breasts.  Well, there was my opening.  It couldn’t have been more virtuous. 

 I said, “speaking of breasts E, there is something I need to tell you.”  

I told her that I had a lump in my breast and that it needed to come out.  She of course asked if I had cancer.  I said it is cancer, but the biopsy report told me it was considered an early stage cancer and contained in one area.  I told her I would be seeing a surgeon to find out more this week.  E seemed brave but I knew that it would have to sink in.  On Sunday night when it was just the two of us that is when the reality set in.  Her emotions came out.  She was trying to be strong and brave, but the thoughts were overwhelming.  I too knew what that was like experiencing it for the first time a short few weeks ago.  I spent some time talking to her.  I wanted her to know that this was the best-case scenario and that we had to follow the Dr.’s recommendations. I said that I hoped for a quick surgery and quick recovery.  I said it was important to not worry and be positive.   Advice that I also had to tell myself.   

I received a call on Monday to give me an appointment to see the surgeon Tuesday afternoon.  I am so glad I didn’t have to wait long.  I am nervous but I also want to imagine the best. 

My good dear friend who is a nurse as well came with me to my appointment.  I wanted someone else present so that if I didn’t ask the right questions, they could add in.  They could also remember some of the information that I might forget.  We sat in the waiting room.  We talked about our mutual friend who is also off on sick leave for a multiorgan disease.  She is young and we are constantly worried for her and always asking each other for updates on her condition.  Presently she has experienced some heart troubles and gets very winded walking short distances.  This friend wanted to come and see me after surgery.  I had to tell her not to come as she was sicker than me.  We discussed how this was just funny.   One sicky telling the other sicky to stay at home. Oh my!  We laughed at our misfortunes and waited to be called into the surgeon’s office.  

This surgeon has a great reputation and her patient interaction was phenomenal.  She was the first person to talk to me about both the negative and the positive.  She didn’t pretend everything would be unicorns and rainbows, but she said gave the facts which included some of the good outcomes that were possible.  She educated me about this type of breast cancer.  She said 70% of breast cancer is ductal.  She was surprised I had found it as it was very hidden, and she had a hard time feeling it.  There was also a small lump that was benign on the right breast that she said should be biopsied and removed at the same time since she was already doing surgery.  That way I didn’t have to worry it would turn on me.  She told me the surgery would be 2 hours and we would book it for next Friday Nov 22^nd at 1:30.  Last surgery on a Friday.  I had no choice.  It was set.

I am nervous, but I think of how I felt when I was pregnant with my first child.  It has to come out either way and I have to accept it.  I know it is a good thing.  I feel similar.  I am scared of surgery, but I know it has to come out.  I want to keep reminding myself how much I want this “Cancer baby” out of my body so I can start to heal.  That feeling needs to be strong so I can mentally be well on Friday to manage the fear.  I have to get a blue radioactive dye put in where she will be able to visualize the lymph glands and do some sampling. She will sample the first one and go from there.  If it is clear, they all are clear.  If it needs to come out, she will take them out.  The morning of surgery they will also put in metal wires to guide her to the exact location, so she finds it easier.  

So many parts of me wants to run from the surgery but then there is a big part that is welcoming to it.  I will be very relieved once I am done and home next weekend recovering.